Smuggling a soccer ball... or something larger

Self-portrait at 27 weeks, aka 6+ months


My son, the doctor

After we showered together in Mexico, Julian was very serious and concerned about the state of Mommy’s penis: non-existent. We had a little chat about who has what type of body parts, and he definitely understood this new information.

A conversation later in the week:

Julian: Daddy, put sandals on.
Ryan: No, Daddy has an owie on his foot.
Julian: Mommy, put sandals on.
Whitney: I don’t want to put my shoes on right now.
Julian: Mommy has an owie?
Ryan: No, Mommy doesn't have an owie – just Daddy.

(Thoughtful pause)

Julian: Just mans have owies and penises. Not womans.

I quickly pointed out an owie that I had elsewhere on my body, and we were all once again clear about the major difference between “mans” and “womans”.


As all toddler parents know, there is nothing more fascinating to a kid in diapers than mom or dad using the toilet. Plus, due to safety reasons, it’s usually easiest to just let them stand next to you while you’re doing your business than to hope that they are playing independently and not about to eat poison or knock over something, forcing you to run from the bathroom with your pants around your ankles. And so, today, Julian stood directly in front of me while I sat on the toilet, armed with his new anatomical knowledge.

Julian: What’s that? (Pointing to my crotch)
Me: (Annoyed, but obligated to the truth) Remember? That’s my vagina. That’s where my pee comes out.
Julian: Mommies don’t have penises.
Me: That’s right.
Julian: And babies don’t have teeth!


As you can see, he's got it all figured out. I'm starting a fund for medical school.